Tag Archives: marriage

Quarter-Life Crisis




Many of us go through it both men and women, but I can only speak from a male’s point of view. This disaster that I am just now starting to recover from, this “Quarter-Life Crisis” is an essential point in a person’s life. It usually occurs in the mid 20’s, right around the time your life is just starting to come together. The many pains and pressures you encounter are just phases of growth, but in your mind it’s close to the end of the world.

The financial, emotional, mental stressors that are constantly bombarding you, will drive you insane, but for good reason. These are but test of your will and your ability to handle certain aspects of life. Some turn to unsavory activities in order to cope (mine was alcohol) but these influences only make the situation worse, sometimes prolonging your recovery. Yes, this is the time where people tend to try to rush into life heart first, not thinking, but acting on impulse, much like a child.

From marriage, to children, to college, careers and etc, you’re on a constant move trying to achieve it all in as short a time as possible. Somewhere in all of this craziness, our brain says I’m done and starts the process of slowing down, but your body didn’t get the message. So you crash and things start to fail or so you think. In your mind now, you’re moving too fast and you still have a lot of young life to live. Partying, clubbing, drinking and the like, you start to lose your focus on the important things you were rushing after. So now your life is at a crossroads, you can’t find a balance, but in reality you can. You just have to remember to take things slowly and don’t try to tackle life all at once.

Marriage can wait; you need to establish yourself anyway before inviting someone else in. If you have children, as I do, you have to incorporate them into your future, many of the things you wanted to do will have to take a back seat, but not all the way back. The first opportunities to dream chase you get take hold of it and don’t let go. Involve that little one in the process; it makes it more rewarding and fun. Quarter-Life crisis aren’t Mid-Life crises, because most times you don’t have the cash to go splurge on things, you’re having enough trouble filling the fridge or your tank. It is important, because it teaches you to slow down and really figure out what it is you are doing.

The most important thing is recovering; all of those bad habits you continued or picked up, you have to slowly drop. Around this age health issues start and in order to nip them in the bud, slowing down on drinking, quitting smoking and not going out so much help you to focus on important things. Getting your finances in order is #1 because without good credit, you spend more and things are less accessible to you. Also if you’re trying to have a long term relationship and marriage, finances is an important thing to have handled, that way you focus more on love than whose debt is whose. You’re also setting a great example for your children when it comes to handling money. They’ll hopefully grow into fiscally responsible adults themselves as a result of your teachings.

The Quarter-Life crisis isn’t the end of the world, it is the beginning of more rewarding and challenging times and because you survived this, you have a great chance of handling your business in the future.


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The Age old Battle: Men vs. Women

men vs. women


By: Tony L. Jefferson, Jr.


Since the beginning of time and possible before, men and women have always been at each other’s throats. There is always a compare and contrast session that often times leads to some very heated arguments. Some of the leading discussions include issues of the heart including but not limited to infidelity, finding Mr. or Ms. right, interracial dating, and the reasons both genders do certain things in relationships. Depending on the number of a certain gender involved in these discussions they often times become one sided.

For example women tend to group all men together as if we’re simple humans with no character traits that would distinguish us from the herd. While this is totally unfair and shows a lack of understanding and communication, some men out there do fit the stereotype. Men tend to think women are always after our material possessions and we also think they are conceited in thinking that every man wants them. While this is erroneous and unfair, there are a few example of this where women will adhere to the stereotype. This isn’t a rant session, but it is an opportunity to explore these differences and attempt to find common ground.

 First and foremost we’re all human and we will and do make mistakes, we will adhere to at least one stereotype that the other gender has about us at least one time in our lives. That doesn’t mean we’re going to stick to that forever, but often times on both sides of the coin that label sticks with us longer than we would want it to. It’s not any fault of ours that it stays, we can become immaculate citizens and that label will still be there. It’s the individuals personal past that often creeps into their thinking when they feel that a similar crime has been committed.

The victim role is then played and the person will instead of talking to the person to resolve the issue instantly write them off as just like every other wrong relationship they’ve had. I will admit I am guilty of doing this at times and so are millions of others around the world. I figure if you love a person and you’ve spent a countless amount of time together i.e. more than 8 months, then you should give that person another chance and an opportunity to explain themselves. Unless the circumstances are violent or life threatening, everyone deserves at least the opportunity to explain themselves. It will give you more insight into what the issue is and if you decide not to take said person back, then you have a better understanding of the problem and will more than likely avoid it.

Predetermined judgments are a big killer, sometimes before a relationship can even develop and it further ignites wars between men and women. Your status as a man says a lot about you and often times this is what a woman will go on before considering you for anything. Men have always had to be the providers traditionally and it’s a mindset that everyone has. No matter the independence the lady has, she will at some point want to adhere to the tradition and there is nothing wrong with that unless you are clearly taking advantage of it. The unfairness comes in when a man has a status that appears less than he standard, whatever that may be. The man is not pushing an expensive car, or doesn’t have a place of his own and he is automatically labeled as a loser, good for nothing, and most women will have nothing to do with him. Thing is he might be on the path to accomplishing something bigger and because he was overlooked then, sometime in the near future his status might change for the better and then those same women will be jocking him.

For most women big status equals good man, but that’s not the case. You should get to know the person and talk to them, instead of speeding through life trying to snag the next big thing. Men tend to label women in different ways, while it is good that we have a variety and not just label all women as one brain, the way we label if often times horrendous. What we talk about between the guys will spill into conversations with women and this shouldn’t happen, as a matter of fact, you shouldn’t be labeling women as such anyway, it is unfair, improper, and you wouldn’t want the same to happen to you. The common misconception is if a lady is wearing something provocative in a social setting, she will be labeled as a whore or some similar title. Maybe she’s just fashion conscious, or she just loves to look good. Now because of past experiences unfortunately this titled originated from a few women who actually deserved the title, but not all women do. You might be talking to a CEO of a company or a promising college student, or any possibility. It all boils down to one point, get to know that person before tossing predetermined judgments around.

You don’t have to date them or anything, but it will make the conversations between men and women a lot easier and more understanding of each other will ultimately make for healthier relationships and long lasting marriages. Us as humans have bigger things to worry about than always trying to one up one another, unless it is in a friendly competition. Some of the most heated conversations have arisen from our deep differences, but when you really look at it, men and women tend to do the same things to each other. There are men who look at status and there are women who group men in horrible ways, there are cheaters on both sides of the coin, there are many things that we think are gender specific, but in all honestly women are just as guilty as men and vice versa.

I’m not biased because I am a man; I tend to see both sides of the issue. Unfortunately society has set traditions that have corrupted the minds of people for centuries. Over time once good intentions are getting distorted and abused. There is nothing wrong with being a gentleman and I encourage all men to be one, but I want my women not to abuse the fact that you’re being catered too. You’re just as much an adult as we are and the check should not always have to come from my bank account. Men all women aren’t after your material possessions, some could really care less, instead of focusing on how much money you have try to work on a better personality so you won’t have to always flaunt your material possessions in everyone’s face. Women if you look good we as men are going to compliment you. Now if that comment is derogatory, you have the right to deal with that, but if it has good intentions, don’t act like less of a human being and start being ugly, take the compliment with a smile and a thank you.

Men and Women stop worrying about the next person’s life, it is not yours, not everyone wants your man or lady, not everyone wants anything you have and if they do and they aren’t physically harming you, just simply ignore them.

If we really want peace between the genders or at least a better understanding open dialog where everyone’s voice is heard is the best way to go, sit down and talk to someone of the opposite sex today, ask those questions, have fun.


Posted by on June 7, 2009 in Essays and Journals


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The War between Us

the war between us



By: Tony L. Jefferson, Jr.


Another night of this endless madness

Why do we argue about such silly things?

I refuse to go to bed with this anger on my mind

I refuse to let your heart go on hurting

Let’s solve these issues

Let’s make amends for both of our mistakes

Your mind wanders over infidelities I haven’t committed

My mind wanders

Wanders into thoughts of you

Thoughts of us

Thoughts of we

What makes us be?

How did our I’s become We’s?

I love you but that feeling is broken

Torn with the way our words tear each other apart

Our differences are complicated by our misunderstanding of each other

See we don’t even talk no more

I’m a total stranger

Your suspicions have diluted our trust

I’ve done nothing but love you

But the more I love you the more suspicions I look

The battlefield is our once happy home

The war is our lack of communication

You don’t want to talk about it

Well dammit I do

These discretions run deep

I’m not your ex

I’m not that guy who did u wrong

I am a brand new feeling

A new start

Give me a chance to prove to you

That I’m that man that can do

Right by you


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Perfect Match


By: Tony L. Jefferson, Jr.

It’s always said that that special woman there

Waiting for you to take her hand

Intelligence abounds within her

A caring and nurturing soul

Independence and common sense sets her apart from the others

Her style is original, unique and suave

Just to hear her voice, makes your day soar

The longest mile she’ll travel for you

The first and last of your wonderful day

Her smile brightens the night sky and calms the day

Your perfect match

One God created for you

The simple things are all she enjoys

Her happiness is your reward

The pleasure is deep and fulfilling

I use to sit and wonder why women were just so wrong

Then in she came to change my thoughts

And offered me something more

I use to say those guys are lucky, until I discovered her

The perfect match was there all along

Helping you through the times

The perfect example of a woman’s work

Is what has be bestowed upon me


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Forming a Deeper Bond

By: Tony L. Jefferson, Jr.
As we all know, love has no time limit, but at the same time it shouldn’t be rushed! I’ve made this mistake a few times in my life, rushing to have something, rather than taking my time to really know what’s going on. No matter how long you know a person, dating and living with them, gives you a different experience of what they are about and in turn you can form a deeper bond.
As with anything worth having it takes time, patience and a will to want what you seek. Certain things in life we will never be able to get a handle on, no matter how hard we try it’s just no going to work the way we want it to. Everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that aspect of life. When you meet someone that you think is amazing you want to keep and cherish that feeling forever, for fear of losing what you think may be the only good thing left in the world. You’ve been searching for years for someone that completes you, someone who won’t do you wrong. When you finally meet, someone, we often tend to rush into it thinking that person will escape our grasp.
What we need to do is grow with that person, not rush into marriage. Growth in relationships, in my opinion, allows you to form a deeper bond, know both of your strengths and weaknesses, and actually figure out if you are meant to be together forever or just friends. At a certain point in the relationship you should try living together. Living together gets you use to the person, teaches you new things you never knew about the person and further validates whether you two should be a thing.
I went through this, I rushed into marriage, although I knew the person for a long time, I didn’t really know the person. Until I deployed for this second trip to Iraq, our marriage was good, it had its ups and downs, but I feel we could have avoided a lot of petty things and had a lasting marriage if we would have taken the time to really get to know each other and have a proper courtship. Now I am not saying a relationship can’t work because you haven’t went through these things, because it most surely can, but I feel if we just take the time to really get to know that person deeply. It is exciting to learn about a person you truly love, to learn their hopes and dreams, what that person feels, what they believe, little things they do around the house or in their life in general.

In turn interesting discussion and more communication will arise from doing this, you can discuss how you can make each other better, how you both feel about things, and friendly debates on differences in opinion you both have. Getting to know that person deeply is a very personal and you get more out of being with that person, so even if it doesn’t work out, you can always be friends.

Living together before marriage is important because you have to get use to trying to be with that person for the rest of life. You have to get use to certain habits, they way they sleep, eat, etc. After about a year if you can deal with that entire person and you actually enjoy yourself, then you can be with that person for the rest of time. You grow closer, you are able to adapt to changes because you have already survived the storm, and you are preparing yourself to combine as one.

In conclusion, dating is an important part of relationships; learn all you can about the person you want to be with, family friends, emotions, among other things. Above all enjoy life and take it one step at a time.


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